#1: Is Your Adult Child Struggling with Life? Here are the 15 Signs of Failure to Launch that Every Worried Parent Needs to Know.

If you're worried that your adult child is not moving forward toward adulthood, and they seem content to remain entirely dependent on you, rather then striving for personal, social & professional growth, than this episode of LAUNCH is for you. There are 15 signs on the Failure to Launch Checklist that will help you to determine if your adult child needs your support. Whether they are struggling with low self-confidence, have very little motivation, barely socializing, or unwilling to work, go to school, or contribute around the house, your adult child might be dealing with failure to launch. These are just a few of the signs. And although this is just a phase, they will have a hard time getting through it on their own. But they have you, and once you listen to this episode, you'll have a better sense of what's really going on. Remember, no one ever said that parenting is easy; especially when you're raising an adult! 

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Transcript

I’m your host, Shari Jonas and this is the LAUNCH. 

In this very first episode, I’m going to share all of the Failure to Launch signs that many young adults often display when they’re struggling to become independent, responsible, even motivated.

Perhaps your adult child isn’t quite there yet, but you’re worried that they’re heading in that direction. Or maybe you’ve been dealing with this for awhile, so you know the issues, but you’re here because you really want to help them move forward.  Before I dive in, I want to start by sharing a story with you.

My first experience watching a young adult struggling with failure to launch is very personal to me. I was 15 years old, and it was happening right in front of my eyes, in my own home. It was my older brother who was 18 years old at the time. Although I was a typical teenager wrapped up in my own world, I could tell that my brother was struggling and clearly not making progress. Certainly not in the same direction as his close group of friends. Everyone else seemed to be focusing on getting better grades and choosing which Universities and colleges they were going to apply to. I mean, 18 years old is the age in every young adult’s life when Highschool is coming to an end and ‘next steps’ is the topic on everyone’s mind. But not my brother. He was a hot mess. He hated school, his grades were terrible, he spent most of his time in his room, and to be honest, he was either stoned or drunk. 

Unfortunately, my mother was dealing with her own health and marital problems to really hone in on his. But for me, they were glaringly obvious, and I was feeling very bad for him. He was stuck, I mean, stuck in the limbo of life, and worse, nothing was being done to help him along. My brother was a classic case of a young adult with undiagnosed ADD, substance abuse and deep insecurities that just halted him from moving forward. His self worth was in the shitter, he was completely unmotivated, and I have no doubt that he felt very lost. So, since no one was going to talk to him about his future, which was nothing more then his plans for after high school, than I thought I should. 

Now, I must add in here that we were not close. We lived in the same house, but he was in his bubble. And he was angry. I could never talk to him without him biting my head off. But it was getting to that point in the school year that if he didn’t make any plans, he was going to be...well, I wasn’t actually sure what would happen to him. It just bothered me to see him like that. 

So I began asking him, “What do you want to do after high school?, And he hated that, in fact he hated me for bugging him about. He would reply with a grunt, or a f-off, it was never pleasant. A

Actually later on, I found out that my brother was failing his final high school year and no one knew. This explained why he couldn’t plan ahead. He wasn’t going to graduate. Can you imagine what he must have been going through? Carrying the weight of this all on his own? 

I suppose that is why he eventually became more receptive to his little sister badgering him with this line of questioning. But it wasn’t until I changed my approach that he finally gave me an answer. It was when I asked him: “When was the last time you were really happy?” And that one simple question got him thinking. He replied with, “When I was living overseas”. Let’s backtrack a bit. One summer, my brother had decided to travel abroad and do volunteer work in a communal living environment

It was a very unique lifestyle, and nothing he had ever experienced in North America. Over there, all income generated by the community goes into a common pool. Your food and housing is completely paid for and you’re given a small allowance. He would work every day, from early morning to early afternoon (because the sun was too hot to work outdoors after 2pm). 

His jobs were varied, but always physical; like driving a tractor or picking peaches. For a lazy, unmotivated stoner, this was a shock to his body. But he loved it. He made great friends, travelled around on the weekends and simply fell in love with the lifestyle. So, when I asked him when he was the happiest and he replied with living there, I said, “So go back. Mom will buy you a ticket”. He doubted me. But I knew this to be true. I said, “As long as it is something that you really want to do and would make you happy, she’ll be happy to do it”. And she did. 

My brother lived there for quite some time. He fell in love, got married and had 3 children. But for reasons that I don’t recall, he returned back to North America, eventually found a job and settled in. He’s been working ever since and I’m proud to say that he never stopped being a responsible, independent, loving, caring husband and father. 

My brother just needed someone to ask him the right questions. He needed someone to take the time to have him to reflect on what made him happy and then he needed someone to help him find his way. I know, firsthand, that every young adult can embark upon their journey to independence and discover themselves. They just need communication, constructive guidance, and a concrete plan. 

Now, if this story makes you think, oh that’s not my kid, wait until I share all of characteristics of FTL before you decide. You see, every young adult who is living at home is a bit different, but they share many common issues, and by the time this podcast is over, you’ll know what those are, and whether or not your adult child is struggling.

First and foremost, "Failure to launch" syndrome is not an actual disorder by any medical standards. It is just a temporary stage in a young adult’s life where they are struggling to transition or launch into independent adulthood. Emphasis is on the word temporary.

 What "Failure to launch" refers to is a young adult's unwillingness to assume and maintain any of the responsibilities typical of an adult which ultimately and intentionally makes it impossible for them to leave the nest. Without this adulting mentality and skillset, a young adult struggles to mature personally, financially, and socially.  

Now, there are cultural variations, where many feel that adult children can and should stay at home, where they can stay close to the family, take care of older family members, and participate in all of the home activities and responsibilities. But then, they aren’t failing to launch are they? They are contributing to that family dynamic, which happens to take place under one shared roof. 

True failure to launch is when the young adult is not doing anything at all in the house that they’re living in but taking and taking and taking. Never participating and never contributing. Now which culture condones that? I am happy to hear from anyone who tells me that it’s okay for their adult child to remain a child. And I will ask you this, what will happen to them when you are gone?

So, without further a due, let’s go through the checklist of signs of a young adult who is struggling to become independent and move forward. Don’t worry about trying to remember them all. There’s a link in my show notes, and if you click on it after this, I’ll send you the pdf for free.

 Here’s what you should look for… 

1.      Lack of Employment: or a continuous pattern of job instability. 

2.      Lack of Ambition or the inability to make Future Plans: 

3.      Lack of Interest in pursuing an Education or learning any new Skill: 

4.      Lack of Commitment: they’re either always either quitting or sabotaging whatever they’ve started.

5.      They have lack of Interest, purpose or passion for almost anything. 

6.      They Lack Motivation & Initiative: Its as if you have to keep pushing them to move forward, because they just don’t seem to care enough to do it for themselves.

7.      They avoid all Responsibilities: dodging almost anything that is asked of them.

8.      They have poor self care: Which means, they have no regard for their physical or mental health, and they a slew of unhealthy habits.

9.      They are Financially Dependent on you or other family members.

10.  They Struggle with Basic Life Skills: cooking, cleaning, even making an appointment is difficult.

11.  They are emotionally dependent on you, or others. referring to areas like decision-making or problem-solving. 

12.  They are obsessed with online gaming and scrolling on social media. 

13.  They have very limited or almost nonexistent Social Connections outside the home. 

14.  They resist change and are very reluctant to step outside of their comfort zone.

15.  They exhibit Mental or Emotional Instability: Now this is bit of touchier trait, because if your adult is debilitating depressed or severally anxious, they need professional help. If they are not, and they are just incredibly moody, where they good days and bad days, that is because of their current situation and not so much a chemical imbalance. Be very, very aware of the difference.

 One characteristic that I did not mention is Addiction. Many young adults with failure to launch struggle with this. In the same way that if your adult child is consistently depressed and anxious, this too, is something that is extremely difficult for a parent to manage on their own. Your adult child requires professional help. As someone who has experienced this firsthand, the dependency on alcohol and/or drug abuse will always be an impediment to their life, and will prevent them from moving forward until they get professional help. Please don’t assume that they can manage this on their own or that you can. 

Now that I’ve shared all of the signs of a young adult who is failing to launch into adulthood, I think it’s just as important to talk about all of the things that it is not. But first a little backstory. 

In 2022, I shared a video on social media that talked about Failure to Launch. The video has over a half million views. However, it was not well received by everyone. Because some parents felt that I was saying you should launch your adult child out of the house, that I was not being sensitive to the economy, and that was the reason why their adult children weren’t moving out. But had they watched the video until the end, they would have discovered that’s not at all what I was saying. So let me set the record straight in this podcast and clarify what failure to launch is not.

If your young adult is living at home, but working, studying, participating in household activities, even caring for a family member, they are not failing to launch into adulthood. 

If they are self-sufficient, responsible, and managing their life on their own, but simply can’t afford to move out due to the high cost of living, they shouldn’t be forced or expected to leave the house.

Instead, they should be saving their money for when they are able to live on their own or in some cases, contribute to the household finances. 

I also want to mention, that there are adults of all ages who are not capable of living without assistance. Many people with physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, neurological, and neurodevelopmental disorders require the aid of their parents or other social services. 

Please do not think that these individuals are failing to launch. I would say in fact that many try even harder than those young adults that I am referring to here.

Again, if you are interested in seeing that checklist, its available for free, just go to the show notes, click on the link and it will be sent to you.  

I hope you got something out of this episode, and if so please hit the subscribe button. There’s a ton of helpful information coming to you that will give you so much insight, and actionable steps that you can take to guide your adult child.  

Please feel free to leave comment, give it a 5-star rating and hopefully share it, if you of know of someone who can benefit from listening. 

I am truly passionate about helping parents with their adult children, whether they are struggling right now or are heading in that direction. I know that many young adults really do want to feel that sense of independence and that if we could just help them overcome their fears, find their way, teach them a few things, that in a relatively short period of time, they will become an active and engaged member in society and not just a bystander of their own life.

Click Here for the Failure to Launch Checklist

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Email Shari Your Questions: ShariJonasLifeFx@gmail.com