#4: For Parents: Mastering the Art of Communicating with your Adult Children

In this episode, we’re diving into the complex journey of Mastering the Art of Communicating with Your Adult Child.  It's the key to completely transforming your relationship with your adult child. Effective communication is not just about having surface conversations with your kids. It’s about understanding, adapting, and connecting in ways that foster trust and deepen your relationship. We’ll explore why communication with adult children can feel challenging, even awkward at times. I'll be offering fresh insights and practical advice to help you break down walls and build a more meaningful, authentic bond. I’ll guide you through a 10-step approach to reset your communication skills and 5 actionable techniques that can empower you to connect with your adult child on a deeper level. If you truly want to IMPROVE, UPGRADE and ENHANCE the communication with your adult child, this episode of LAUNCH with Shari Jonas will provide you with a fresh perspective that will enable you to create a stronger, deeper and more enjoyable relationship, possibly even a lifelong friendship. 

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Transcript

I’m Shari Jonas and this is Launch.

In this episode I’m going to be talking to you about what I believe is the most important skill every parent needs—it's the key to completely transforming your relationship with your adult child. Get ready, because I’m diving deep into one of my favorite topics, ‘Mastering the Art of Communicating. 

I’ll be giving you fresh insights, actionable steps, and practical advice to help you break down walls, build trust and create a more meaningful, authentic relationship with your adult child. First I’ll be sharing with you why it is so hard, because we all struggle with it, and then I’m going to give you a slew of effective communication techniques. 

Let me begin by asking you this question: Do you ever wonder WHY communicating with our adult children can feel so uncomfortable at times? We’re either walking around on eggshells or testing the waters trying to figure out what mood they’re in before we even approach them.  

The paradox here, is that for many of us, all day long we have conversations with other people, where we feel more relaxed or more respected, then we do with our own kids. 

Why is it, that when we’re in the presence of our own flesh and blood, we can feel so awkward? KNOCK KNOCK Excuse me, sorry, ah, quick question, and I’ll um, I’ll be out of your way. What are you doing today? 

What is THAT all about? Why do we tiptoe around them with trepidation and fear, of being rejected by them, or worse dismissed? That shits’ gotta end. Communicating with your own kid, should be not just easy, it should actually be enjoyable. If you have ever experienced this or felt this way around your own kid, you are not alone.  We’ve all been there. And that’s why I’m going to suggest things that you can you do, starting today. 

But I need to say this, almost a precursor to this topic. I can tell you, with absolute certainty that we as a society are not communicating well. It feels like almost everyone is either talking over one another or just not listening. And the way we communicate is just ridiculous. The old fashioned one on one conversations, face to face dialogue, are no longer the norm. 

So how can we expect our young adults to know these skills, if they barely practice them. We need to learn how to communicate with our adult children so that we can teach them how to become good communicators, who are comfortable with expressing, exchanging, relating and listening to other people. 

We need to do this because strong communication skills are the cornerstone of every healthy relationship. But as parents, the reason why it is so important to develop open and honest communication, is because it is truly foundational to our relationship with them. Its how we BUILD trust and respect for one another. And once you have that, your adult child will feel understood, validated and most importantly unconditionally loved by you. If they don’t feel that from you, then the opposite becomes the case, where they feel misunderstood, rejected and unloved. 

So why is it so hard? Why do we struggle so much with them? Here’s what I think.

1st It has to do with how we were raised. Communication styles are definitely learned from family. They are not inherent in one’s DNA. Its generational in fact. Let’s consider 2 extremes from which you may have developed your communication style.  One: Your parents were rug-stuffers, as I like to call it. No talking, not dealing head-on with issues, just good old-fashioned ignoring problems and hoping they’ll just go away. The thinking here is that if no one talks about it, it will just disappear. 

Or 2, there’s the opposite; communicating in your family meant yelling and screaming. And nothing except for slamming doors, throwing insults and being completely misunderstood, was all that was ever accomplished. And honestly, I don’t know which style is worse. I just know they’re both bad.

If you were lucky enough to have one or more parents that were great at communication, then you will have a leg up, but that doesn’t in any way, guarantee it. Because first of all, times have changed. Kids today have a very different way of communicating. Have you ever called your kid, they don’t pick up, but then they text you back, with a WHAT? My kids did that to me once, and never again. Anyway, I digress. Regardless of how you were raised, which style of communicating, be better. Regardless of what your parents did wrong, do better. 

And let me say this. It’s okay if your parents were bad communicators. I see negative childhood experiences as an opportunity for us to learn how NOT to be as parents. Let me share a personal story with you about my mother. She was such a shitty communicator. The absolute worse. And here’s why. And by the way, the more you listen to me, the more you’ll know that I always examine the why.

Anyway, my mother came from a home with a narcissistic, domineering, fear-inducing beast of a father who made everyone in the family shit their pants when he was upset. He had a reputation, both inside and outside of their home, in the community, of having this uncontrollable, vile temper. My mother grew up in that environment, having no voice, and no opinion. She lived in fear of speaking. So as an adult and a parent, she couldn’t express herself. This is how our arguments would go. She would get upset with me, I would try to explain myself and all she would ever say to me is, Watch your tone. My retort was always, just listen to what I’m saying Ma. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t hear me, and she couldn’t talk with me. She just became unhinged and every single time, she’d end our horrific attempts at communicating with an open-handed slap across my face, sometimes 2.  All I ever wanted was for her to hear my words and understand me. But for most of my childhood, that never happened. It took me well into my adult years to learn how to communicate with her. And it was I who learned how. I needed to calm down, so she could calm down. I needed to reframe every conversation so that she didn’t feel undermined or overwhelmed. I learned not only how to communicate with my mother but how important it was for me to learn how to develop really good communications skills with my adult children. 

I tell you this story because I want you to know that if I can overcome this really deplorable communication style with my parent, and become an engaged, respectful, and open-minded communicator, that you can too. You can do better. And if you aren’t right now. You will know what to do by the time this episode is done.  So, put your childhood experiences aside and learn how to master the art of communicating with your adult children, so that you can both have enjoyable and positive conversations. And trust me, it gets better and better over time. 

Theres a 2nd reason why we struggle so much with communicating, and this is not as obvious as blaming our childhood experiences.Its because it is the one relationship in our lives that changes so drastically over time. Think about it. How do you communicate with your friends, with your co-workers, with your partner. It starts in some particular appropriate style, it might deepen over the years, but it remains relatively constant.  I mean if it begins to worsen, then you have a problem. 

But with your adult children it actually completely changes over time. At first, we don’t even use language when we communicate with them, we coo, we babble, we imitate, we baby talk. And then, as they grow up, our communication style changes and adapts. We’re instructional, we’re advising, we’re negotiating, we’re teaching. We’re in charge of them, and they basically have to listen. Eventually, as they mature, they develop their own opinions, personality, mindset and become fully capable of making their own decisions. And so, because of those changes, we must learn to listen to them, to be fully attentive, to exchange ideas and opinions, and to understand one another. The dynamic between us has changed and we have to adapt. There will be many times where we can’t just say whatever we want to say. We are now communicating with another adult, and even though they are still our child, we have to learn how to converse differently. And that doesn’t happen over night.  

As parents, we need to figure out these new ways of communicating with them. And although we might both be adults; we have been adults for longer. So for the communication style to change, to grow and to develop in the healthiest way, we must change first. If we don’t, and instead we keep communicating with our adult children the same way that we did throughout all of their younger years, we’re just going to push them away. When they become adults, the world begins to treat them differently. So, we should too.Unless..you enjoy walking around on eggshells, afraid to ask a question or bring up a topic because their reaction can be so jarring, so disrespectful, so hurtful. 

Or maybe you’re fine with them responding to you in syllables, instead of sentences, which is really so dismissive. Please don’t tell me that you’ve just accepted the fact that they never confide in you, except of course, when it’s too late and they’re in crisis.  I’m here to tell you that all of that can change, your communication style can change, but you must be willing to be the catalyst of change, sort of like what Ghandi said; be the change you want to see in the worldIn this case, its’: develop the communication skills that you want to have with your adult child. So, how do we accomplish this? Where does one start, when it seems as though you’ve tried everything? 

Well, the answer to that question is simply, start from scratch. You are going to have to do a complete reset on how you speak to one another. And, since this all about effective communication, you are going to have to discuss this with them first. How ironic is that. You have to have a conversation about improving your communication. That’s definitely hard. It’s like saying let’s talk about the fact that we don’t talk. It is possible. It’s just going to be a little uncomfortable, but the end result, is so much more enjoyable. 

I’m a mother of 2, my son is 30 years old, my daughter is 24. And we can talk for hours. My son is better face to face, my daughter is good with anything. We’ve had our issues, but with open and honest communication and conversations, we work through everything. So if you’re ready for change, let me walk through this process of how to press the reset button between you and your adult child. I have a 10 step approach that will ease you in to starting the conversation regarding how you can improve your communication style with them.  

1st is the obvious; You have got choose the right time and place before you initiate this conversation and make sure they are not tired or pre-occupied. You both have to feel at ease. Which means a quiet, comfortable setting like a restaurant, or a cafe. Personally, I’ve had the best talks with my kids over a meal, driving in the car, or going on a walk. 

2nd - Begin by stating the purpose of the conversation. It could go like this, "I want to talk to you about something that is important to me— it’s our communication style. I value our relationship and want to make it better." 

Starting this conversation off by saying, we don’t talk enough, you never tell me anything… just sets a negative tone and gets the guard up. So avoid that approach.

3rd - Acknowledge any past or recent difficulties: You might say, "I know that we've had some challenges in the past or that we don’t have the best communication style. Sometimes it feels like we’re not on the same page, and I want to change that."

4th - Take Responsibility – And don’t push back, just hear me out. They might have been rude, disrespectful or perhaps have shut you out. I still want you to say, "As your parent, I realize it's my responsibility to make the first move towards improving our relationship. I want to listen more and understand you better."

5th - Express Your Feelings and Desires: Like this, "I really feel or hope that we could have a much stronger and more supportive relationship, if we could just communicate better. I want us to be able to talk openly and honestly with one another."

6th – You ask them to share their opinion now: "How do you feel about our current communication? What do you think we can do to improve it?" And hear them out. Let them speak freely. This is called Active listening and although many people don’t do it, you need to especially with your child. Even if it’s a little unpleasant.

7th - Emphasize your willingness to listen better (and after that last comment, you are showing them that you mean it): So you might say, "I promise that I will do my best to listen to you without interrupting, getting defensive or being rude. Your thoughts and feelings are important to me." 

8th - Ask for Feedback: "What can I do differently to help improve our communication? I’m open to any suggestions you have."

9th - Ask them for what you need, but use I statements. For Example, I feel much closer to you when you share more with me about what’s going on in your life. And I will work on not being judgmental. I really appreciate that when I text you, I hear back from you timely manner”. And Parents, you can’t abuse that. Like if they respond to your text, don’t start mad texting them. They don’t always like that.

10th -Summarize what these new communication practices are, so it’s clear to both of you and then agree that you will both work on them.

And that’s how you PRESS THE RESET BUTTON. 

When the conversation is over – please acknowledge the effort that was made and say: "Thank you. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to improve our communication. Let’s keep working on this together. If either of us feel that we are going backwards, let’s talk about it. And then hug them, if you can. 

The other day I asked my daughter to give me 3 words that best describe why she enjoys communicating with me. Because like I said, we do this all the time. We talk deeply about many topics. Of course we have light banter, but quite regularly we have very serious conversations. But it wasn’t always like that. There was a period in her life when she shut down and kept me at an emotional distance. because she was going through something. So, she went to a therapist and worked it out.

During that time, I was still very present in her life, just sort of patiently waiting for her to work through this process.  Which she did. And now we are better then ever, but keep in mind, that I had to come to the same realizations that I spoke about here. I had to make adjustments in how I communicated with her because she became an adult, and I needed to respect her and treat her as such.  

So, if you’re wondering what were the 3 words that my daughter said to me which best described why she enjoys communicating with me, they are: 1. listening to her, 2: validating her, and 3. guiding her without telling her what she needs to do. 

But there is so much more to say about this so, as promised I’m going to list 5 actionable steps that you can take to master the art of communicating with your adult child and create more meaningful, enjoyable relationship. 

1. Practice Active Listening: this is something we should do in every conversation we have. It means really really listening, giving your child your undivided attention, and acknowledging what they are saying. You can always ask for clarification, but you must refrain from inserting opinion here. It’s all about listening.

2. Be empathetic: meaning, put yourself in their shoes, see what they are going through. If it helps, try to remember a time when you were going through something similar. You can share it with them, but this is more about you relating to how they are feeling, so you can understand what they are experiencing. Showing Empathy validates not only their emotional state, but what they are currently going through.

3. Respect them and their Boundaries: Talk to your adult children with the same level of respect and regard for their life as you would any other adult in your life. That’s how you should conduct yourself with them. And this is mutual. You should not allow them to speak to you in any disrespectful way. Those are communication boundaries.  Even oversharing and over asking, is not respecting boundaries. When you do that to your adult child, you are guaranteed to be shut down or shut out.

4. Be Emotionally Supportive which means being understanding, showing encouragement, reassuring them that their feelings are valued and that you're there for them without judgment or trying to fix the situation. This is very important for building trust. The opposite type of parent would say something like, Stop being so dramatic, or just get over it. 

5. Offer Guidance: When they ask you, you can suggest what you would do in that situation, keeping in mind that times are very different. This is the ideal opportunity for you to present several options and then let them decide what they’re comfortable with. 

 Whatever it takes, you need to refrain from offering them unsolicited advice. This is advice that you think they need to hear, but they haven’t asked you for it.  No one (not just your children) wants to hear your opinion about what they should or shouldn’t be doing– unless they ask for it.  And those are the 5 most important actionable steps that you can start practicing right away, even before pressing the reset button, which I strongly recommend you do. 

Great communication with your adult child does not happen over night, especially if it’s been a difficult, tumultuous, distant, untrusting relationship. It does take time to rebuild, it takes perseverance, practice, I would even say baby steps. Be patient with them, with yourself and with the entire process. If you truly want to IMPROVE UPGRADE ENHANCE and DEEPEN the relationship with your adult child, change the way you communicate with them. Set the wheels in motion.

I promise you that by practicing these actionable steps, it will be so worth it. You know why? Because, you will have a friend for life. And they will too.