#6: How I Taught My Kids to Be Self-Confident: Wake Up Every Day and Do This One Thing

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Self-confidence in children, of all ages, is the foundation for a thriving, resilient life. It isn’t just a trait—it’s a powerful life skill that your adult child needs to overcome obstacles and achieve independence. In this episode, we explore why self-confidence is perhaps the most important attribute your young adult can develop and how you, as a parent, play a crucial role in nurturing it. Join us as we discuss 5 impactful strategies for building confidence in young adults and helping your adult child thrive. Whether they’re struggling to launch into adulthood or they're simply feeling down, these confidence-boosting methods will empower them to feel capable, motivated, and ready to face life’s challenges.    

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Transcript

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If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place. This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood. I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle. Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient. Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch. I'm Sherry Jonas. And in this episode of Launch, I'll be addressing a topic that tugs at the heartstrings of many parents because of how deeply it impacts their child's life. If you're a parent whose adult child is struggling with low self-esteem and self-confidence, and you want to know how you can help, then this episode is for you. Actually, this is one of my favorite topics, answering the question, what can I do to help my child develop self-confidence? And as with every episode, you'll walk away with strategies and actionable steps that you can start using right away. I believe with my whole heart that helping children develop self-confidence is one of the most challenging and yet most important undertakings for any parent, but it is also the most rewarding. You see, children aren't born confident, nor are they born with low self-esteem. Confidence develops gradually over time through their experiences, both positive and negative. Many of those moments happen when we're not even around, like when they get bullied at school. It's so painful to watch your once bright-eyed, happy child, who you love unconditionally, go out into the world one day and come back the next, having an experience that has made them feel so unloved, rejected, in fact. As parents, we want so badly to protect our children from the world, but we can't. Life will challenge them, and all we can do is keep at it, keep guiding them, keep reminding them who they are, and keep telling them that whatever knocks them down, that they have the inner strength, the resilience to shake it off and rise up again. But boy, oh boy, is it hard. Now, if this sounds personal to me, it's because it is. I'll share a story with you that will help you to understand how close to my heart this is. One day, my kid comes home from school and is looking a little worse for wear. Just by the expression on their little face, I could see that something was off. When I asked them, they are quick to tell me that another child was mean to them that day. The circumstances were irrelevant. What mattered to me was my kids' feelings were hurt. And I had to teach them how to recover from that. This was not the child that I was raising. I was a confident single mother, probably a warrior in a past life, and I was not gonna let the world fuck up my kid. So I got down on my knees at eye level, turned to them and said, from now on, every day before you go to school, I want you to put on your I don't give a shit shield. I said, This is our little secret. And when you wear that shield, you will always be protected from whatever mean kids say or do. Yes, my child was a bit shocked that I used the SH word, as they called it, but that just made my message more impactful and more memorable. And maybe it was a bit unconventional, but I wanted my child to feel empowered to know that whatever kids do or say, that they can bounce back from it and protect themselves from taking these experiences to heart when it happens again, because we know it will. Not everyone is gonna like our kids the way we do. So, yeah, I get it. I get how incredibly important self-confidence is and why we want them to have it for their entire lives, because it impacts every aspect of it. What is self-confidence? And is it something that we can change or help our children to develop so that they can thrive in the world rather than struggle or worse, cower in silence? Self-confidence is a deep-rooted belief in your own self-worth and potential. It is trusting yourself that you can overcome whatever challenges you face with resilience and grit. Self-confidence to me feels like this mighty oak tree that remains standing regardless of whatever storms it faces. Imagine if all humans had the same tenacity to weather their own storms. Well, my hope is that parents can learn what roots they need to plant in their children so they can handle whatever life blows their way. Well, maybe after today's episode, you'll have a better idea, a clearer understanding of how you can help your child build their self-confidence by fostering a deeper, stronger sense of themselves and of their own worth. But that can't happen if we're so overprotective that we never let them experience adversity. Of course, we never want our kids to have bad experiences, but they actually have to have them in order to learn how to overcome them. What a paradox. I know that parents can help make a difference in their child's self-confidence by encouraging them to develop resilience, help them discover their strengths, and let them take ownership of their lives so they can feel more in control and more capable to navigate the world in their own way. I've said this before, I'll say it over and over again. Competence breeds confidence. We all know this, that the more skilled we become at doing something, the better we feel about ourselves. And when we don't know how to do something or how to be in a certain situation, that's when we feel the most insecure. So remember, the next time you want to jump in and do something for your child that they should do for themselves, don't. This is where the term bulldozer parenting comes from. Clearing the path for them by doing it for them so they don't have to struggle. But it's in the struggle that they learn, and that's when their confidence grows. So before I dive into these strategies on how you can help, I want to mention that none of them will include advice like be supportive, offer praise at every turn, and keep cheering them on. My feeling is you're probably already doing that, but somehow it doesn't seem to move the needle. That's why these strategies might be a bit more effective than your constant praise approach. Now it's not that I don't condone super positive parenting, because I think that being a positive parent is what every child deserves. But there's a difference between being a personal cheering squad, yelling, good job at every turn, than being an engaged, supportive parent. Maybe when you think of a supportive parent, you imagine that it's a parent that's being incredibly patient, optimistic, and not pressuring them, hoping, fingers crossed, that they'll get there when they're ready. But that alone will not be effective. The true meaning of an engaged, supportive parent for a young adult is like that of an advisor. You are coaching them to develop the skills and mindset that they need to become self-reliant. Being a supportive parent means allowing your adult child to make decisions for themselves, take action, solve their own problems, and come to you for advice when they want it. This is your job as the parent of a young adult. Your role is to help them grow into someone who can navigate their challenges with resilience, confidence, and a sense of mastery over their own life. Now, how can this happen if you are always cuddling and rescuing them? I see parenting like this in the most simplistic visual way. When they're babies, we hold them. When they're school age, we hold their hand. When they're teens and adolescents, they walk a bit behind us. And when they're young adults, they walk beside us. That's how it's always felt for me. There's another concept that I want to clarify, and then I promise I'll I'll give you the five actionable steps. But this one is really important for our children to learn, which is why I've said it several times now, and that is resiliency. Resiliency is the ability to recover from setbacks, to adapt to change, and to keep going despite difficulties. It's about bouncing back when life throws challenges their way and not letting their failures or hardships stop them from moving forward. Shit is going to happen. Things are going to go awry. We need to help them learn how to recover. For young adults, being resilient is especially important because they're at a stage in life where they will face many new challenges, whether it's handling job rejections, navigating failed relationships, or figuring out how to live without you. If they develop resilience, they won't let obstacles ruin them. Instead, they'll learn from them, adapt, and keep striving towards their goals. And the more they practice being resilient, the stronger their confidence becomes. Each time they overcome a challenge, they prove to themselves that they are capable of handling tough situations. No matter what comes their way, they will know that they can bounce back and succeed. That's why resiliency is so important. All right, here we go with five different strategies. The first one is one that I've referred to earlier: building confidence through competence. As I mentioned, self-confidence grows when a young adult feels capable. Start by giving them responsibilities such as doing chores, running errands, paying for their own personal needs, planning their day, scheduling their appointments, and so on. When they take ownership of their own responsibilities, not only are you teaching them how to be an adult, but their self-confidence will grow with each completed task. There's so much incredible research that has been done on the benefits of giving even young children age-appropriate responsibilities. Developmental psychologists have found that when kids are given tasks, they become self-sufficient, independent, and confident because they feel a sense of pride in their own accomplishments. They also develop discipline and accountability. According to a long-term study from Harvard University, children who participate in chores perform better in school and were more likely to become successful in their careers. I could go on, but suffice to say, the benefits of giving kids responsibilities is overwhelmingly positive. And even if you didn't start when yours were young, it's never too late. You are raising an adult right up until they leave your house, even after. The second suggestion is what I call growth through self-reflection. This is when you help your adult child to recognize their individuality and their unique qualities. We want to help our children to become aware of their strengths and focus on their own capabilities instead of relying on external praise. We know as mature adults that if we wait or rely on other people to validate us, we give our power away. Let's teach our children to become self-aware, to see their own truth, to value themselves in the world, and that will build an unshakable confidence. The next suggestion is to help them develop critical thinking and problem-solving skills. Because confidence grows when a young adult feels that they are capable of solving their own problems. This is truly a life skill. So rather than you stepping in, telling them how to solve every problem, instead, let them figure things out on their own. I know this is tough to do, takes practice. But the next time they face a challenge, stop yourself and instead ask them an open-ended question like, what do you think your options are? This one question will force them to think critically about their situation and will help them to come up with their own solution. What can be more confidence-boosting than solving your own problem? The fourth suggestion I have is to teach them the importance of embracing their imperfections. Self-confidence doesn't come from being flawless. Young adults have this misconception that self-confident people are that way because their lives appear perfect, perpetuated, of course, by social media, but it's the furthest from the truth. When we teach our young adult to embrace their imperfections, we give them permission to accept their flaws. It begins by you telling them that no one is perfect, but more importantly, they don't have to be. We all have our quirks and shortcomings, but in order to love ourselves, we must accept ourselves. And finally, sit down with your young adult and encourage them to write out clear and achievable goals. Setting realistic goals will not only give them something to work toward, but once they get there, that feeling of accomplishment will build their confidence every time. Start with one goal this week, whether it's applying for a job or completing a project at home. Break it down into manageable steps with them. Call it a to-do list, which is a great habit for them to get into. And it's okay to keep checking in on their progress. So there you have it. Five strategies that you can start doing with your adult child to lay the foundation for their self-confidence to grow. It won't happen overnight, but at least you have something tangible to work with. Because I can assure you that if you don't help them, they will struggle to develop it on their own. We live in a world where our children are always looking outward at what everyone else is doing. And all it does is make them feel worse. But truth is, we are all worthy. We all have something valuable to offer. If only we focused inward and forged our own paths. Oh, what a different world it would be, and how much more confident we'd all feel. I'm Sherry Jonas. If you enjoyed it, please take a moment to write a review, share it, and subscribe if you never want to miss another. Talk to you soon. I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch. I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood. If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode. Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues. And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you. It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most. Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question. And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult. Talk to you soon.