#12: Enabling vs. Empowering Parenting: 6 Steps to Help Your Young Adult Develop Confidence and Independence

Have you ever wondered why your adult child is so unsure of themselves, lacks confidence, and is so dependent on you – even though they are capable? Perhaps you are unknowingly enabling them. Sometimes as parents, we do things for our young adults simply as an act of love.  But if you're doing too much, even with the best of intentions, you are keeping them from growing into confident, resilient and independent adults. Simply by shifting your parenting approach using these 6 steps, you can go from being an enabling parent to an empowering one and your young adult will be ready to thrive in the world! And don't worry, they'll still love you. In fact, they'll thank you for believing in them.

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Transcript

I’m Shari Jonas and this LAUNCH. 

Have you ever wondered why your adult child is so unsure of themselves, so unwilling to move forward and still so dependent on you? Do you often find yourself handling their responsibilities, solving their problems, motivating them, even though they should be doing these things on their own?

They’re full-grown adults, with the emotional maturity of a child. I know that sounds harsh.  But my point is this, if you’re fed up with that type of behaviour and you know they are capable of so much more, then this episode is for you. 

As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. We step in to help, protect, and support, often with the best intentions. But what if, without realizing it, we are actually holding them back? 

In this episode, we’re diving into the concept of being an enabling parent—what it looks like, how it impacts our adult children and most importantly, what we can do to change. 

We’ll explore how this parenting style, while rooted in love and care, can erode our adult children’s self-confidence, and undermine their ability to become independent, resilient and responsible.

By shifting your approach, you can go from being an enabling parent to an empowering one. And when you do that, you give them the chance to experience a sense of accomplishment and to develop self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is a behavioural term studied by Albert Bandura, which means to believe in your ability to influence outcomes and accomplish goals.

Enabling parents unintentionally prevent their children from developing self-efficacy. So if you think your adult child can’t manage their life and move forward, it’s because they believe they can’t. They feel powerless and hopeless. The good new is, if this is your adult child, barring any mental health issues, you can help them to break this cycle.

Your goal is to go from enabling to empowering. And we’ll talk about these strategies in a few minutes.

Before I dive into that, I want to share another behavioural concept with you that will help explain why being an enabling parent can have such a profoundly negative impact on a child’s confidence and independence: it is called Learned Helplessness. 

Back in 1967, psychologists Martin Seligman and Steven Maier, first began studying this behaviour by setting up this experiment with dogs. The dogs were divided into 3 groups. The first group had it easy—they were placed in a harness but weren’t exposed to any shocks. The 2nd group experienced mild shocks but learned that pressing a lever could stop them. Then there was the 3rd group. These dogs also received mild shocks, but no matter what they did—the shocks wouldn’t stop. They had no control.

Later, all the dogs were placed in a different setup: a chamber with two sides divided by a small barrier. They could easily escape the shocks by jumping to the other side. The first two groups quickly figured it out and jumped to safety. But the third group? They didn’t even try. These dogs had learned from the previous setting that nothing they did would change their situation, so they simply endured the shocks, even when escape was possible.

And this is how the term ‘learned helplessness’ became popularized. Because humans, just like animals, will stop making an effort once they believe that their actions don’t matter. 

In other words, when people feel powerless and hopeless—whether due to over-controlling authority figures, such as parents, partners, bosses, and are exposed to constant criticism, or repeated failed attempts, they will stop doing things, or they’ll give up easily, and they will shy away from trying new things, as if they are too depressed to even care anymore. Which is what happened to do the dogs.  

And this explains why some young adults lack motivation, struggle with low self-confidence, and become so dependent on their parents. They lost their belief in their own ability to succeed. 

Even though learned helplessness is about believing that nothing you do matters and you feel you have no control, enabling and learned helplessness are deeply connected. 

To break this cycle, parents must shift from enabling to empowering. By giving your adult child opportunities to take responsibility, make decisions, solve their own problems and face consequences, like an adult, you can help them rebuild their confidence and regain control of their lives.

Here are a few situations of what we do or have done, to enable instead of empower:

We solve problems for them: How can they possibly develop self confidence if we don’t permit them to problem-solve.

We don’t allow them to try something, because we think they might fail: When we do this, we are teaching them to avoid taking risks in order to not experience rejection, which is a very normal part of life.

We make decisions for them: Doing this just makes them feel like they are incapable, and they won’t learn to trust their own judgment.

We overprotect them from consequences: For years, my son would bring me his schoolwork to sign in the morning, at the last minute, even though I told him over and over again, that I wanted it the night before. But if I didn’t do it, he’d get into trouble. And I wanted to protect him from that. By shielding our kids from the consequences of their actions, we deny them the opportunity to learn and grow.

We micromanage their tasks: How often have you stepped in and taken over something your kid was doing, because they weren’t doing it "the right way"? When I would re-mix the cookie dough after my 7-year-old had already stirred it, the message she was getting was, “You’re not capable of doing this on your own”.

Now, most of us are guilty of doing those things when our kids are small, but at some point, we have to watch what we say, how much we do, and we must allow them to figure things out on their own.

But, if up till now, you haven’t been able to do this, it’s not too late.  You can begin the process of empowering your young adult, simply begin by treating them like one. It is with this intention, that you will begin to see the adult emerge from the child.

The actionable steps that I’m about to share with you are researched-based and highly effective. Ideally, you should do them all. Start slowly, and I’ll be honest, you can expect to see a bit of resistance at first, but stick with it, because the end result will be worth it.

Here we go. 

1. Give them responsibilities and don’t interfere or let them off the hook. Start with easy tasks, like cleaning their room, making a meal, making their own appointments. Then move on to running household errands, to paying their own cell phone, filling the car up with gas and so on. These responsibilities, on a consistent basis will provide them with a sense of accomplishment.
2. Encourage them to problem-solve. Instead of saying "Let ME handle this for you" say, "I believe you can figure this out." And if they resist, then ask them open-ended questions to help them think critically, like: What do you think you should do?” Eventually, they’ll come up with solutions and overtime, develop the confidence in their own problem-solving skills. It doesn’t mean they will never come to you for your opinion, it just means they’ll start trusting themselves more.
3. Step back gradually. Learning is a process. We do not just drop our kids in the deep end and hope they learn how to swim. We begin with instructions, guidance, checking in on them, and then we let them go. 
4. Acknowledge effort and be optimistic.. Here’s where you praise their hard work, and offer words of encouragement without stepping in. Emphasize effort over results: "I’m proud of how hard you worked on that, and you should be too." And let them know, especially in the beginning, that you believe in their abilities, saying things like, "I know this is tricky, but I also know you can figure it out".
5. Allow for failure. Listen, I struggle with this one. But it’s really important that you give them the space to fail, and then try again, over and over. There are powerful lessons that come from failure. In fact, rebounding from failure teaches our kids to become resilient and that is one of the most important life skills. Failure is how we learn and improve. We’ve all gone through it. There are no exceptions. 
6. And the last one is, teach them to self-reflect, when things go well, and when they don’t. I’m a huge advocate of practicing self-awareness and self-reflection. When we teach our children to always ask themselves, how do I feel, how did that go, what could I have done differently and so on, we are helping them understand themselves better, make smarter choices, and grow personally and emotionally

So, let’s do a quick recap because this is really important: Enabling often stems from our best intentions—we want to protect our kids, spare them from emotional discomfort and ultimately, we all want our kids to be happy. 

Going from an enabling parent to an empowering one means stepping back, encouraging them to do things for themselves, and supporting them while they navigate their lives. This is how you can help your young adult build the confidence they need to move forward in the world.

It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress. Every small step they take toward independence is a step away from being helpless. By allowing your child to make decisions, solve problems, and face challenges on their own—knowing they have your support as a safety net—they will develop the life skills they need. Remember, becoming an adult isn’t about doing everything perfectly; I haven’t met one yet. It’s about learning, growing, and gaining confidence with each step forward.

I want to leave you with this thought: Your parenting journey is not about fixing the past—it’s about shaping their future. Every choice you make to empower your child today creates a ripple effect that will lead to greater resilience, self-reliance, and success down the road.

Believe me, your child is capable, even if they don’t believe it just yet. And with your guidance, patience, and encouragement, they’ll start to see themselves the way you see them: strong, resourceful, and ready for the world.

Until next time, remember: Progress, not perfection. 

I’m Shari Jonas and this is LAUNCH.