#14: If Living With Your Adult Child is Driving You Crazy: Here's What You Need to Do.

Tired of Doing Everything for Your Adult Child - Except Walking Around on Eggshells?

Are you feeling frustrated because your adult child thinks your their maid, they take advantage of your generosity, they contribute nothing and ignore every request you make? But are you worried that setting boundaries will lead to conflict? Or maybe you've tried, but nothing seems to work. 

In this episode of LAUNCH, we’re talking about one of the BIGGEST struggles parents face—setting healthy boundaries with their adult children. Boundaries aren’t about just about setting "rules" (which don't work). This is about respect, responsibility and teaching your young adult how to live in the world.

🎧 Listen now and take the first step toward learning how to set the most important and relationship-building boundaries.

After this episode, if you're interested in a powerful, no-fluff, 60-minute live workshop where I’ll teach you exactly how to set and enforce boundaries that work—without guilt, anger, or endless conflicts, click the link below and learn how to build a better relationship with your adult child, simply by setting boundaries.

https://sharijonaslifefx.com/pages/parenting-workshop-setting-healthy-boundaries-building-better-relationships-with-your-adult-children

Thank you for listening ❤️

For your free Failure to Launch Checklist, go to: https://sharijonaslifefx.com/pages/ftl-checklist

For a complimentary 15 minute consultation, email: ShariJonasLifeFx@gmail.com

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Thank you for listening ❤️

Transcript

I’m Shari Jonas and this is LAUNCH

If your adult child is still at home, regardless of whether or not they’re working, are you struggling to live together peacefully? I’m going to ask you a brutally honest question because I think it’s important that you have someone in your life who understands your situation and doesn’t judge you. Do you ever feel like your home has become a boarding house and your free-loading, ungrateful tenant doesn’t respect you or your rules? If so, this episode is for you. 

And maybe this is not exactly your situation, it’s not as bad as that, but it’s really important that you establish healthy boundaries because you are teaching your adult child something so valuable, and that is how to live harmoniously with people.  You see, boundaries are so much more than just a set of household rules that are mutually beneficial. Every individual has their own set of personal boundaries, things that mean something to them, and when you live with another person, whether it’s a roommate or life partner, respecting those actually matters more. 

So you’re not just doing this exercise for your own peace of mind, but to show your adult child how to treat others and what to expect in return when living with someone. And just because you’re the parent doesn’t exclude you from these same standards. When we teach our children to be considerate of other people, we are included in that.  

The topic of todays episode is a crucial one and it’s not something that is talked about very often. Parents just assume that living with their kids will always be easy. After all, we raised them. Why wouldn’t they be respectful? But, what if they aren’t? 

What if they live with you, and as they go from their teenage years, well into their 20’s and 30’s they develop this sense of entitlement, that you have to keep a roof over their head, food on their plate, pay for their cell phone, and they can come and go as they please. Add to that, they leave a mess wherever they go, they never contribute, they ignore your requests to not use drugs in the house and they barely look at you when you try to talk to them. What in the world have we created? And who would ever want to live with someone like that?

I know this sounds like the worse case scenario, but it is not uncommon. Many parents feel trapped in their own house, by the very people they brought into the world and have loved unconditionally from day 1. Let’s not even talk about the sacrifices we made, with our careers, our finances, our relationships, and the most valuable commodity, our time. It almost sounds like an abusive, neglectful one-sided relationship and honestly, it is not sustainable. If this is happening in your home, you need a solution to this shit-show, because if you don’t find a peaceful living arrangement soon, you’ll find yourself wishing they’d move out – way before they’re ready to.

Even if you’re in denial because and I’ll say this as if I’m you – “They’re my kid, I love them, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them, and if I say something that upsets them, they’ll get mad at me, they might even stop talking to me. Anyway, what else can I do? Throw them out? Where would they go? (funny how that thought does come to mine) and how would they survive? I can’t bring myself to doing that. I just hope that things will change, soon.” 

Does this sound familiar? Because if it does, you my friend need to change things up. You’re practically in a toxic relationship with your own child and here’s the kicker, in order for things to change, you must change. “What? Why me?” you ask? It’s simple. You raised them, you are in part, responsible for what and who you’re living with. Not entirely of course, but, if there is any one in the world that can effect change, it is you. And not just because you’re the parent, but because they are living under your roof. So stop thinking that you’ve tried everything, stop tiptoeing around them like they’re going to lose their shit on you, and start parenting again – but this time, with a fresh, new approach. 

And honestly, I have a sneaky suspicion that the reason why you haven’t set up or insisted on these boundaries, is probably because of something that happened in your past, some inability or insecurity that you have to express yourself, to ask for what you want. 

You my new friend, are more entitled than you think. This is not to say that boundaries don’t go both ways. There is mutual respect, and expectations on both parts. But I’m here to tell you that their behaviour has to stop. This is your kid, and if you can’t sit down with them and tell them what you want, what you need, what you deserve from them, then you should probably stop listening to this episode. This is my version of tough love. Because honestly I do care. And if you need permission to be a stronger parent, and stop being afraid of the outcome, I am giving it to you today.

So let’s be very clear about the meaning of Boundaries, because you’re going to explain this to them. Boundaries are not just a set of household rules, there’s another side. The deeply personal boundaries that are your guiding principles. I call these our non-negotiables. The things that matter most to you as a human being. I’m talking about respect, honesty, appreciation, communication, integrity and more.

So when I refer to Boundaries, I mean both internal or personal and external, those that pertain to the Household.

And the only way your adult child is going to know what those are, is by you communicating to them. They can’t read your mind, and honestly many of them are a little selfish or not mature enough to even understand these boundaries exist. But once they are established, set in stone, put in place, there can be peace in your home and respect in your relationship. 

I want to share something with you. This topic is very personal to me. And to be honest, I needed to meditate on it in, while I was writing this episode, in order to allow the memories of my past to resurface so that I could recall what experience I had that has made this topic so important to me. 

Within minutes of this mediation, it came to me. All I did was ask myself what is the opposite feeling when your personal boundaries are disrespected, and the words humiliated and violated came to mind, and then the memory followed. 

I was around 8 years old. My parents were divorced and had been since I was 3. My father was always upsetting my mother, letting her down somehow. I never really understood why she was always angry at him, until this one day when it impacted me. 

I asked my father if he would buy me a winter coat. My mother’s suggestion of course. Looking back, she knew exactly what she was doing. But in my innocence, I asked him, and he quickly replied absolutely, I’ll pick you up on Thursday night, which was our weekly dinners with him, and we’ll go buy you one, whatever you want. Oh I knew exactly what I wanted. 

Well, Thursday came, and I remember feeling so excited, I had no doubt in my mind that he would be buying me this new winter coat. I even told my best friend that I would be donning this purchase that my dad was going to buy me, the very next day at school. So that evening, I was sitting all bundled in my old, small, worn-out winter coat at the top of the stairs, inside our upper duplex, waiting for him to ring the doorbell at any minute. And I waited. 

My mother started in. He’s not coming Shari. I defended him. He’s just running late Mom. He’ll be here, I confidently replied. But he never showed up. 

Eventually he called and told her what she matter-of-factly reported back to me; I told you Shari. He’s not coming. He just called. Something came up. 

I was Humiliated. Hurt. It was more than just a feeling of Disappointment. I felt violated by my own father’s actions. He changed me that day. I felt something I had never felt before and never wanted to feel again. From that day on, I put so much value on integrity that it became a core belief in my soul. That if you said something to someone, you HAD to honor it. Words mattered, but actions reigned supreme. 

Never would I ever be that type of person that would promise something to someone and not follow through. By the way, I never did get that winter coat from him. My mother, seeing my deflated body, crumbling into my jacket, with alligator tears pouring down my face, promised to take me shopping that weekend. And to this day, I still remember the exact colors, style and brand of that winter coat. 

So when I tell you how powerful your personal boundaries are, it’s because they are your core beliefs, the parts of you that no one should ever disrespect, especially your loved ones.  

But besides my experience, there has been plenty of research that shows why boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy, respectful relationship between parents and adult children living at home. 

According to Psychology Today, without boundaries resentment and tension can build, leading to strained relationships.

A 2021 Family Relations study found that families who set boundaries communicate more openly and experience greater well-being.

Simply put, boundaries do more than just foster mutual respect and harmony in the house, they help your adult child to become independent, responsible and capable. They will also discover their own core beliefs. And, when you treat your children like adults, they become adults. 

So, let’s do a quick check-up to see if you have any healthy boundaries in place. 

If you don’t the following issues will be evident.

First, the personal boundaries.

• Lack of appreciation – they take your support for granted without acknowledging or reciprocating kindness.
• Dishonesty and secrecy – they lie, hide important information, or they’re deceptive about money, responsibilities or how they spend their time.
• Entitlement to financial support – they expect you to pay for their expenses without contributing.
• Disregard your time and your commitments – they expect immediate responses, last-minute favors, or for you to be constantly available.
• Emotional manipulation – they use guilt, blame, or passive-aggressive behavior to get what they want.
• Disrespect your personal space and items – they ignore privacy, they enter rooms uninvited, and take your things without asking

And here are the issues that arise when no household boundaries have been establish:.

 ·         Ignore household rules –such as curfews, noise levels, guests and indoor use of drugs.

·         Do not contribute to household expenses – they live rent-free and never offer to help with bills, groceries, or shared costs, even if they can.

·         They leave messes for others to clean – they never clean up after themselves, and expect you to do their laundry, dishes, and so on.

·         They disregard shared spaces – they treat common areas as personal territory, monopolizing space without consideration, & leave their personal belongings everywhere. 

·         Bring disruptive behavior into the home – they invite guests over without asking, they’re loud at inappropriate hours, and engage in activities that disrupt the household.

·         Use household resources without limits – they overconsume utilities (like electricity, water, internet) without any concern for cost or waste.

 When parents fail to set clear boundaries, they often find themselves exhausted, overextended, and resentful, and the effects of this free for all lifestyle, is the adult child becomes highly dependent, and very unmotivated. Without healthy boundaries in place, what should be a loving relationship turns into a source of frustration, tension and conflict.

 So if it’s obvious that establishing healthy boundaries is the way to go, why then do so many parents struggle to create them? Well, there’s a few reasons:

 They fear that they will damage the relationship with their adult child. Guilt creeps in—"What if they get upset? What if they shut me out?"—so these parents simply avoid having these difficult conversations. They put their children’s moods before their own needs. Others feel stuck, they’ll say; "I don’t even know where to start”

Then there are parents who set some boundaries, but then they don’t follow through.

And finally, there’s the emotional pushback—the manipulation, anger, guilt-tripping – which make parents feel even worse. The key is to recognize what is holding you back from doing something that only has an upside. 

There’s so much more that can be shared on this topic that I actually created a 60-minute workshop so we can dive deeper into how to set up these healthy boundaries with your adult child. For the first 45 minutes, I’ll take you through a step-by-step framework for setting up boundaries that are conflict-free and actually stick, and you’ll learn how to handle pushback without guilt or resistance. Then we’ll have a 15 minute Q&A where you can ask me anything or just listen to what others are going through. By the end, you’ll have a clear plan to create a peaceful home where you feel respected & appreciated, and you will watch your adult child become responsible, considerate and self-sufficient.

 I invite you to sign up and take the first step toward to building a healthier relationship with your young adult, while they’re still living at home.

Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.

Click to Sign Up for the Workshop:

https://sharijonaslifefx.com/pages/parenting-workshop-setting-healthy-boundaries-building-better-relationships-with-your-adult-children

Or you can visit my Website at; 

sharijonaslifefx.com under the WORKSHOP tab

I'm Shari Jonas and this is LAUNCH