#77: The Most Powerful Tools in Your Parenting Toolbox

This episode could be a recurring one because it is the MOST important topic in raising children, and that say a lot. 

As powerful as it is, a majority of parents struggle with it because they were raised by a generation who didn’t understand how to apply these principles.  

But once you do, and you can, the floodgates will open. Your relationship with your adult children will change. They’ll feel heard, understood and safe to open up to you. 

It’s a short episode today. But I think it packs a punch. It’s the one topic you can’t put off. 

Nothing matters more. 

To those of you who are letting me know that you're starting to see progress, because you're changing your approach, I'm SO excited for you. You didn't give up, even though you were frustrated and worried. And now, the future is looking a bit brighter.  

I really appreciate you and the effort you're making. And I believe that good things are ahead. I'll never get tired of saying...

I’m here for you every step of the way. 

Here’s the link to Scripts. I hope you grab it. If not, I’ll keep doing what I do anyway. 

ParentingFX.com/Scripts

What the hell...here's a virtual hug for my moms and a fist pump for the dads!

P.S I see you buying the course, and I'm proud that you're willing to do the work.

💻 Have you enrolled in Shari's Parenting course yet?  "The Journey to Independence: A Step-by-Step Roadmap to Guiding and Launching Your Adult Child.” 

For more information and where to sign up, visit: https://parentingfx.com/parentingcourse

Do you want to know if your adult child is struggling with Failure to Launch? Grab the FREE Failure to Launch Checklist here:  

🗣️One-on-One Consultations are available. Click here!

Email me if you have any questions at: Shari@ParentingFX.com

🎙️Remember to hit the SUBSCRIBE button so you never miss an episode. 

Shari can be found on Instagram & TikTok Search @sharijonaslifefx

YouTube has all of the interviews available to watch! CLICK HERE...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older kids in their twenties and thirties who are struggling. Each episode is intended to offer you practical tools, new perspectives, and a path forward. Because doing nothing is not an option anymore. Today's episode is a monologue. Just me sharing something very insightful, but also helpful because I know you're not here for virtual hugs and fist pumps. You want real solutions. So here we go. Everyone is talking about estrangement, which is sort of odd to me because families have been doing this to each other for years. If you're a Gen Xer or even a boomer, I'm sure that somewhere in your past, your cousin stopped talking to your aunt, or your grandparents severed ties with their siblings. Estrangement isn't new. What is unusual is the frequency of these estrangements because of social media, which I believe is giving grown adults permission to set boundaries, to prioritize their mental health, and to take a break from their parents if the relationship is persistently hurtful, unmanageable, or intolerable. Now I don't want this episode to focus too much on that. I've already interviewed a mom who was estranged from her children and then had her back again for an update. That's episodes number sixteen and forty-nine, if you're interested. And I've also spoken to adults on the other end who have decided after too much emotional pain that they had to walk away from their parents. There is a solution that could have saved all of this estrangement from ever happening. And that's what I'm talking to you about today. But before I do, I want to mention another issue that doesn't get nearly enough attention, but is just as damaging. And ironically, it might be the one thing causing the estrangement in the first place. It's called enmeshment. Let's look at both of these and then how we can solve them. Estrangement is when distance is required because the relationship is unhealthy. It becomes unbearable for the adult child, contact stops, space is needed. Enmeshment is the opposite. It's too close. There's no space, no boundaries. Your feelings, thoughts, and opinions are all imposed on theirs, and it can be emotionally suffocating. Now here's the part that will surprise you. Enmeshment can lead to estrangement. When someone feels like they can't breathe or blossom inside a relationship, they will step away. Not out of hate, never. It's self-preservation. They want to be understood and respected, and they want you to self-reflect and work on yourself. So they take a break, often for a while. Most parents in either situation love their children deeply. That's not what's in question. It's whether that love is being expressed in a way that actually reaches them. The solution is communication. But isn't it always? Learning how to have conversations where you can stay close to them without overstepping is essential to the well-being of your relationship. Because let's be honest, not everything you think needs to be said. Your opinions can be unpleasant and unnecessary, even when they come from love. Here's the secret: it's about becoming aware of how powerful your words are and choosing them wisely. When you understand how to do that, magic happens. It's literally transformative. I don't want you walking on eggshells in your own home. You must talk to them. But make it thoughtful, respectful, inquisitive, positive, and more than anything else, unconditionally loving. As I speak to more young adults, and by the way, I'll be having more of them on this podcast because I think it will help you to understand what they need. I'm realizing that even though it doesn't always seem like it, they really want to become their own person, not a copycat version of someone else. And they want you to understand them because they don't feel heard or seen. They're living in your home and they don't feel connected to you. Or maybe it's to your spouse. But home is their hideout right now because they don't even know how to move forward and they don't know how to ask for help. Even though you really want to do that, I know you are also struggling. So that's where the work has to begin. It's okay to ask them open-ended questions. I'm encouraging you to share your own personal experiences with them. There is nothing wrong with you saying that you want to help them move forward and that living as they are is not acceptable anymore. But it's all how you approach them. Are you being warm, inquisitive, and engaging? Are you being firm yet confident, confident that you believe in them, because that's how you're going to reach them. There isn't anything more powerful than healthy conversations, open dialogue, and respectful communication with your young adults. I don't want you to be afraid to have these hard conversations. Here's why. Children at every stage have a biological need to have a relationship with their parents. They don't want to be estranged, nor do they want to feel enmeshed. So even when we do make mistakes and say the wrong thing, and we will, we can always repair wounds. It's all in how you say it. Words are that powerful. They can just as easily bring your adult child closer as they can push them away. Now I know that these conversations might not come easy to you because of how you were raised, which means you'll have to learn. You know, over the past few years, parents have been asking me, how do I say this without getting a negative reaction? And at times I'm the one suggesting that parents stop using certain phrases or words which are unintentionally making their adult child feel unworthy. And in my parenting course, I include positive and negative statements. But since not everyone wants the entire course, shocking, I know, I thought I would create a collection of these scripts, statements and questions that cover a bunch of different categories. I even explain why they work, when to use them, and why you should avoid others. The link is parentingfx.com forward slash scripts. It's in the show notes, so please don't worry about trying to remember it. Honestly, of all the tools I offer in my parenting toolbox, this one would be my first choice. Remember when your kids were small and they'd have a temper tantrum? We had no idea what they were crying and screaming about, which meant we couldn't help them. So what did we always say? Use your words. Well, if you want to avoid estrangement or enmeshment and you want to have the best relationship with your adult kids, my advice use your scripts because everything you say matters. I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.