#78: A New Perspective: Seeing Your Adult Child Through a Different Lens

When an adult child is struggling, most parents focus on the most obvious problem: no motivation, lack of employment, low self confidence, complete dependence, zero responsibilities, poor communication… 

But what if you’re looking too narrowly?

In this episode, I introduce a different perspective for parenting your young adult, one that looks beyond a single issue and considers the whole person. 

Discover why emotional well-being, mental health, relationships, life skills, self-confidence, purpose, and family dynamics are all connected, and how seeing your adult child through a different lens can transform the way you support, guide, and communicate with them.

Sometimes the most powerful change starts with a new perspective. 

LAUNCH Scripts is available to help build connection through conversations. 

ParentingFX.com/scripts

💻 Have you enrolled in Shari's Parenting course yet?  "The Journey to Independence: A Step-by-Step Roadmap to Guiding and Launching Your Adult Child.” 

For more information and where to sign up, visit: https://parentingfx.com/parentingcourse

Do you want to know if your adult child is struggling with Failure to Launch? Grab the FREE Failure to Launch Checklist here:  

🗣️One-on-One Consultations are available. Click here!

Email me if you have any questions at: Shari@ParentingFX.com

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Shari can be found on Instagram & TikTok Search @sharijonaslifefx

YouTube has all of the interviews available to watch! CLICK HERE...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to move forward. I'm glad you're here. It tells me that you're deeply committed to helping your son or daughter find their way in the world. And as long as you're listening, I'm going to continue bringing you the research, expert advice, personal insights, and strategies that will help you guide them toward a more confident, capable, and independent life. Today is just me, because I have something to share with you. It's not just an epiphany. I got a new puppy. And it's bringing me back to the days when I was raising my toddlers. The constant disciplining, my expectations, setting boundaries. No, you can't poop wherever you want. Not losing my cool, even though his constant biting is making me crazy. Feeling frustrated, losing patience, figuring out what doesn't work, learning what does, finding the right words or commands, and making sure my husband and I are on the same page. It's exhausting. Of course I had to ask AI, how long does this stage last? Here's what I read. Basic house training and obedience cues take about six months. Reinforcement and boundary testing continue into adulthood. Boundary testing into adulthood? Well, first of all, that's funny, I thought, because that's exactly like raising a human. And since he's too cute to give back, there's no chance I'm giving up. So failing is not an option. Thankfully, I'm not alone in this. My husband, the new dad, is with me. Honestly, he's the one who wanted a dog. I mean, we both work from home, but his corporate job's like eight to four, and mine feels like twenty four seven because I work for myself. But still, we're both involved and committed to this disciplining process. We have to be. Why? And this is so important. If we don't do things exactly the same way, this little guy will be so confused and nothing will ever stick. Sound familiar? Everything from the choice of our words, the tone in our voices, the consistency of our actions, the way we interact with him, it all counts. Even his temperament matters, his intelligence, what developmental stage he's at. This is really a holistic approach, just like raising an adult is. We can't just focus on a singular aspect. It's everything altogether, interconnecting and influencing. If one area of your adult is struggling, the whole of them will be affected. It's never just their motivation, their attitude, their childhood wounds, their education, their habits, their physical, mental, or emotional issues, their ADHD, their sleep schedule, their work ethic, their lack of social life, their low self-confidence, and their relationship with you. All of it impacts the entire person, which means that for real change to happen, we can't just focus or fix one aspect. We have to work on all of it. So today, I want you to consider your parenting approach perhaps as holistic. It's not just one or two areas that you need to focus on, because all factors work together. So here are three steps I'd like you to consider. First, I want you to focus on connecting with them because before your adult child will accept your guidance, they need to feel respected, understood, and emotionally safe. So commit this to memory. Connection creates influence. And once you have that, it will be so much easier to help them to engage with the world, develop life skills, create meaningful relationships, discover their purpose, and move toward greater independence. Second, look objectively at your adults' behavior. Instead of asking what's wrong with them, ask rather what might be some of the factors contributing to this. Whatever is lacking needs to be recognized, understood, and addressed. Don't live under a veil of denial. And third, focus on growth across all areas of life. Independence isn't built through getting a job alone or seeing a friend one day. One resolved issue won't fix the entire problem. Progress works when all the parts are addressed, their confidence, their life skills, their responsibilities, their emotional well being, relationships, just to name a few. Looking at your adult through this holistic lens will change your understanding of how everything matters. Don't ignore one aspect just because they're doing well in another area. A well-rounded person will always be okay. That's how we're viewing our puppy. We want to teach him everything, expose him to the world so he knows how to behave and that he is safe. When I hear people say he's such a good boy, except when I think, oh, so you dropped the ball on that one, didn't you? No pun intended. Well, raising an adult also means that you are teaching them how to manage their whole life in all settings with all kinds of people. So when parents say to me, he's such a good kid, except when I think, oh, so you drop the ball on that one. Truth is, parenting is never ending. We're learning at every stage. I know that even if I have a few things figured out now, the shit might hit the fan when my kids get married and have children. But one stage at a time. I'm wrapping up this mini rant now, but I do want to leave you with this. When parents share with me that they don't know how to communicate well with their grown-ups, that they don't feel comfortable asking them questions, or they don't know how to engage in meaningful conversations, I want to help because I know that having a close connection with them would make a world of difference. I've actually been working on a masterclass that teaches parents how to communicate by having engaging conversations that help their adult children feel safe, heard, and comfortable enough to open up to them. In fact, anyone who purchases launch scripts is automatically being added to the email list and will be notified when registration opens. If you're interested in scripts, there's now a header for it on my website, parentingfx.com. You know that I'm here for you along this incredibly challenging journey. That's why I do what I do. So keep listening to this podcast. Don't forget to follow it so you never miss an episode. You can also subscribe to my weekly launch advice newsletter. Perhaps take my parenting course. Or reach out if you want some one-on-one consulting. But please don't quit. Just like this little puppy where returning is not an option, for you, doing nothing shouldn't be either. By the way, if you want to see what this adorable little guy looks like, I'm gonna post a video of him on social media. Oh shoot, I never did tell you his name. It's Finnegan. I'm Sherry Jonas, his mom, and the creator of Launch. As always, thank you for listening.