#80: Stop Supporting Your Stay-at-Home Adult Child

If you've been doing everything for your adult child and their lifestyle hasn't changed, in fact nothing about their life has really improved, it's time you stop supporting them. 

No, you don't have to kick them out. Unless of course circumstances have become so unbearable at home, and they seem completely uninterested in being responsible and respectful, which means you're setting a move-out date.  

If that's the case, don't feel bad. Many parents are at that point. 

But if you're not there yet and you still feel hopeful that your son or daughter can become fully independent, while living at home, than you just need a new approach. And today's episode is going to introduce you to one.

This is another mini episode with just me sharing something that has been on my mind. There's a word that is so overused that it is now misunderstood. And we need to reconsider a new perspective and approach. 

By the end, I'll give you an exact statement for you to say to your adult child that could pave the way for their future. 

Remember to visit my website ParentingFX.com for free and shoppable resources. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm Sherry Jonas and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their twenties and thirties who are struggling to move forward. They're not lost, for goodness sake. They're inside their bedrooms, purposely hiding from the world because they don't feel good about themselves. Home is their safe place, where they won't get judged for being so behind everyone. It's their fictional oasis, where they can live without responsibilities, expectations, or failure. The reason it has lasted this long is because they don't need anything from the real world. You are their keeper. Always providing for them, always supporting them, because that's what you think you're supposed to do. Be supportive, they say. Stand by them during this challenging stage. That's what good parents do. They support their kids. But here's the deeper question. What are you actually supporting? They're sedentary, unproductive, unmotivated, unemployed lifestyle? At some point you've had to ask yourself, is all of this support actually working? Today's episode is just me sharing something that has been weighing on my mind for some time, and I'd really like to tell you about it. Perhaps after I'm done here, you might reconsider your actions and start changing things up at home. And that's a good thing, because if you're fed up with the status quo of your adult child's life and you really do want to see them start moving forward into adulthood, you need to make changes. But that's why you're here. Each week you listen in to learn what you can do. You take in all of the suggestions and experts' advice. Not everything will resonate with you or work for your adult, but you're willing to try. And I love that you're here. In today's little rant, I want to talk about this one word that is thrown around a lot in the helping profession, and I'd like you to think about what role you play. Fair warning, my perspective might not be what others in this parenting niche are telling you, but my job, or rather mission, is to help you make positive changes in your relationship with your adult child and modify your parenting approach so that you can actually help them break free from this failing to launch, struggling to move forward life. The word I want to question is support. Now before I say anything else, I want to be very clear that if your adult child is living at home, working, studying, contributing, participating, and so on, as an adult should, this is not going to apply to them. As well, if your adult child is physically, developmentally, or mentally unwell, they are also excluded from this word. The type of support I'm talking about is specifically for your son or daughter who is failing to launch. If you need any clarification about the term failure to launch, I wrote a checklist a few years ago of the 15 signs, which has become my most downloaded resource, and it's yours if you want it. The link is in the show notes, but it's also under Free Resources on parentingfx.com. In a nutshell, I'm referring to a young adult in their 20s and 30s who is not doing anything with their life by their own choice. In other words, they are perfectly capable of getting around, getting a job, going back to school, managing their own responsibilities, and so on, but they are choosing not to. So here's my issue with support. First, I'll clarify what the meaning is. Support is the act of providing assistance, encouragement, guidance, or resources that help another person to achieve goals, develop skills, cope with challenges, or move toward greater well-being and independence. For you as parents, support should be in the way you help your son or daughter grow, learn, and become more capable over time. However, if your type of support removes their responsibilities, solves their problems, pays for everything, then it is doing the opposite. It's actually preventing their growth towards independence. Let's consider the four most popular types of support. And I'd like you to ask yourself if this is the type of support that's going on in your home. Emotional support. Are you communicating with your adult child? Are you making sure they feel heard, understood, and respected? Are you encouraging them? Do you listen without fixing? Are you supportive without rescuing? Do you show them that you believe in their ability to actually become independent? 2. Practical support. This is more physical, hands-on helping. It's task-driven. It's the teaching of responsibilities that they should be doing for themselves. Do they know how to cook their meals, to write a resume, to get on public transportation? Ask yourself, if they were left on their own, would they be able to survive without you? Then there's developmental support. This is helping them build long-term habits and life skills that will help them to grow as an independent adult. Resilience is a big one. Dealing with failure, coping with life setbacks, making decisions, solving problems. Are you talking to them about this stuff? How are they learning it if they aren't practicing it? And of course, there's financial support, where you are helping them with their expenses, not paying for everything, because if you do, they will never have a need to work. Being a supportive parent, when done properly, never actually ends. We always want our children to feel that they can turn to us for emotional support. I'm sure that if you have other children who are on their own, that you were very supportive, but differently. Oh, you think, well they don't need me the same way. Ah, but your adult children living at home don't need you to do everything for them either. You've just created some bad habits. Doing for them instead of letting them do for themselves is not support. Maybe you're not confident that they can, and if you're not, I assure you they don't feel it either. What I'm saying is this, when someone tells you to be supportive, it does not mean getting in the way of their growth. Ask yourself, is your support helping them become more independent or stay dependent? The problem is that many parents don't know the difference between support that helps and support that holds back. Supporting your struggling adult child doesn't mean making life easier. When support replaces effort, it is not support anymore. And they will never feel confident or capable if you continue to support them this way. I'd like you to consider that your version of support up till now has been keeping them exactly where they are. So let's drop the word support for now and replace it with the word believe. I'm going to make a suggestion, something that you can say to them to help them understand that things have to change. I am no longer supporting your lifestyle here at home. I will only encourage you to do things on your own. You'll feel better about yourself because you'll realize just how capable you are. And I believe in you. I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch. Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode. And please share this with someone you know who might need to hear it. As always, thank you for listening.